Even if only in this blog, I have admitted to battling depression. This is not just getting down because of rejection or a disappointment. I’m talking about an unexplainable darkness that grips and suffocates to the point you want life to end. Seriously. I have had two unsuccessful attempts and one night where not only did I pray earnestly for God to take me during the night, but a friend came to my house and stayed up all night to make sure I didn’t do anything to take my own life. I have also been battling anxiety attacks. It’s hard to explain these attacks. They seem to come from nowhere. I am overcome with fear and death and the meaning of life. The attacks usually come at night and jolt me from sleep. I then begin to pace and have trouble breathing.
One would never guess that I have these battles. I have never been on drugs. I am college educated. No student loans. I have a job/career. A place to live. Can pay my bills and even have something left over. I sing in my church choir. I have just released my first Christian book and working on the release of a second one with the outline for a third one up and running. I am considered by many to be a woman of deep faith, though I still feel like a babe or a newbie. Many people look forward to receiving my tight loved filled hugs and remark how my smile brightens their day. In fact, people get concerned if they don’t see me smiling.
Yet, the attacks and my battles have begun to resurface. And then last night, I believe my mind and spirit were ready to accept something I have heard many times in church. The enemy only messes with you when he sees you as a threat. When you are in sin and enjoying it, he leaves you alone because you are not walking in your God-given purpose. The attacks come and intensify when you declare the word of the Lord and begin to walk in His truth.
I have released my first Christian book. The premise to spread God’s word in such a way that more people will be meditating on His word consistently. I want His word to be accessible to more people. I want people to grow in their relationship with Christ. The second book, while a different format, has the same principle. The third book will look at a subject through the eyes of God word. After an encounter with God, I have begun the journey of seeing myself as God sees me. I am more concerned with living my purpose according to His will. My prayers are for others and their happiness and protection. I ask for protection from those who are not part of my destiny and have seen my circle grow smaller. I look back at pictures of me taken two or three years ago and I don’t even recognize that woman.
And that is why the attacks have resurfaced! The enemy is seeing me grow and become stronger in Christ. I am declaring God’s word for my life and trusting Him with my future. Through my tears, I believe I am watering the seeds that God has placed inside me. When i am alone and wanting to be married, I pray for my future husband and thank God for his godly qualities. As I post updates on my books, I remind myself of the vision God gave me.
The attacks have resurfaced and intensified because I am becoming stronger in my faith and trust in God. I am becoming a bold and fearless ambassador/soldier for Christ. I am more consistent in my walk and talk. I am determined to see God’s glory, power, and authority in the earth as well as in my life. The enemy is attacking because I am a threat. And you know what? I will keep fighting the good fight of faith because greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. I will not deny my Lord and Savior! I desire to hear HIm say “Well done my good and faithful servant”.
I will keep fighting!